Unanswered Harry Potter Question #14: How Did the Bloody Baron Get Covered in Blood?
(This article is humorous, not factual.)
The following is an article in the Quibbler, Hogwarts True History Revisited edition:
THE TRUTH ABOUT BLOODY BARON
Murderous Maniac or Messy Masticator?
Hogwarts’ Slytherin House Ghost, the Bloody Baron, has terrified children and Peeves, the poltergeist, since he died in the 11th century. For the longest time even ghosts, like Gryffindor’s Nearly Headless Nick refused to ask him about the redish stains on his ghostly form. Last year when Voltyshorts was at his height, Harry Potter, The Valiant Victor, uncovered the story that is in circulation now among the students, terrifying them even further.
WHAT STORY DID POTTER UNCOVER?
According to Mr. Potter, the Bloody Baron, a Slytherin while alive, killed Helena Ravenclaw, Hogwarts’ Founder Rowena Ravenclaw’s daughter, when she refused to return to England. Apparently staying in Albania wasn’t an option. After realizing what he did the Baron killed himself. Helena’s blood is what covers the Bloody Baron today. Or is it?
LUNA LOVEGOOD DISCOVERS THE TRUTH
I have never taken a story at face value and while this reporter can claim friendship with The Valiant Victor, she had to verify the story herself. A talk with Rowena Ravenclaw’s portrait at Hogwarts and a brief interview with the Bloody Baron himself has revealed a different answer.
The Bloody Baron isn’t covered with blood at all, but ketchup! Always a messy masticator, the Bloody Baron was participating at a competitive eating contest for French fries and ketchup, a sauce invented in the 11th century by wizards that’s only recently been adopted by muggles. The Bloody Baron died on a fistful of fries and declares most heatedly that he would have won had he not choked.
Not so terrifying now, is he? That’s what I thought too. I bet the Baron will have trouble with Peeves from now on when word of this gets around the student body.
Luna Lovegood, editor of the Quibbler
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